A Season of Surrender

A few months ago, in January, I shared on my IG stories that I was doing a major reset in our homeschool. I had officially been homeschooling for just over five years (we started in November of 2019). At that time, I had created a five-year vision for our homeschool, and as the New Year brought reflection, I realized we had created everything I had once seen and hoped for. It was a beautiful realization and I wanted to be very intentional about setting a new five-year vision. Along these lines—five years ago—I had also made a conscious decision to start my @homecenteredlearning account and this website. I wanted to share light and goodness, rather than just scroll and consume.

As I prayerfully began pondering our next chapter I thought mostly about our homeschool. Yet, I felt an unexpected spiritual nudge to step away from social media —including my blog and especially my Instagram. In the past, I had taken lots lot little breaks, but I had never had so much invested. I knew stepping away would cost me upcoming collaborations, affect brand relationships, and cause a good chunk of my income to disappear.

But, I tried to be obedient, turning down smaller collaborations and holding back from posting. Some days I felt complete peace. Others, I really wrestled with giving everything up —telling myself how stupid I was to throw away something I had worked so hard to build.

As I stepped back though I began to see I was walking on pretty thin ice. I was feeling a lot of anxiety and I didn’t feel fully present with my family. My mind was constantly racing —keeping up with all the things. Making sure my social media posts were done and ready to go, constantly working on the house, and, of course, always homeschooling. But, I had become so used to "pushing through" in the name of "working hard" that I failed to recognize I was sacrificing my own mental health and peace to uphold an image and bring in money that really didn’t matter. I could see where pride was starting to slip in and I knew that was not a place I wanted to be in.

In February, I got an invitation from The Good and The Beautiful to share about their new history course that would be releasing in March. Like many of you, I was super excited for this course because we’ve been anticipating it for years, right? I was so close to coming back on just to share about it. What harm would there be in one more post? One more collaboration? By the time I would need to post, I would have been off social media for over two months and, certainly, that had been enough time to get a better hold on my life. After all, it’s a good thing and I knew it would help a lot of people. I sat on it for days and, ultimately, it just didn’t feel right. I literally waited until the last hour to e-mail and decline the offer. I felt a lot of peace —like I knew it was the right decision, but at the same time, I was also still super irritated with myself that I turned it down.

A few days later, I was listening to a podcast that talked about how faith often means surrendering our will to let His prevail —trusting that His way will be better, even if we can’t see it. Even though this truth isn’t new to me —it was exactly the reminder I needed and, eventually, of course, proved to be exactly right.

Somewhere in the middle of all this, my husband underwent a minor surgery to remove a cyst in his neck. Thankfully the biopsy showed it was benign, but while he was healing he developed a rare painful lemon-sized hematoma. We spent the first weeks of March in and out of numerous doctor’s offices, and eventually they said he would need another surgery to clean out the hematoma. Well, guess what day they scheduled the surgery for? The exact day I would’ve had to share about TGTB history course.

It never ceases to amaze me how actively aware the Lord is of our lives —and how often we are the ones closing the door on Him. Logically, I couldn’t see any harm —to make just one post, but He absolutely knew that I would need to be fully present in my home during this time. What a blessing it was that the week my husband was in the most pain, I wasn’t worried about content calendars or collaborations —I could simply be there for him and for my family.

I really took this little lesson from God to heart and felt so much peace and no longer any resentment for the prompting to let everything go. I truly felt content with just letting things be and not trying to keep up with it all. I even thought —maybe I’ll never get back online and my time on social media has come to an end. I was willing to let it all go and felt complete peace about it all.

Of course, once I truly surrendered, answers finally began to come. (It seems so obvious in hindsight.) But, that question —what do we want the next five years to look like for our home and family —finally started to unfold. Through a homeschool mother’s retreat, General Conference, and the beautiful season of Easter, I found clarity. I could probably write another post on this alone, but for now, I can just share my testimony that God answers prayers. He is, as Elder Kearon said, in “relentless pursuit of us.”

So now you are probably wondering —after all this, why did I end up coming back online?

For years, I have had quiet impressions that I might write a book. I’ve told very few people because, honestly, who knows if it will ever happen? It is scary to say something like that out loud especially because I haven’t even written a page.

But, during General Conference this year, those impressions kept showing up. Later that week I reached out to a friend on Marco Polo and just shared with her that I thought my time in social media was over and I was at peace with it, but not really quite sure what to do next. It isn’t unusual for this friend and I to go months in between talking, so I was a little surprised to see her Marco me right back and share that she didn’t think my time in social media was over at all. I don’t think she even realized that the next week was Passover, but her response was very timely as she reminded me…Moses didn’t just sit around and wait for things to happen; he had to take a small step of faith before the Red Sea parted. Before anything wonderful would happen, he had to put his stick in the water. And so she told me I just needed to put my "stick in the water" — and trust the Lord would open the way for whatever was supposed to come next.

When she gave me that visual of Moses placing His staff in the water —the thought of writing a book came right back to me.

Honestly, it couldn’t have been a more perfect timing —she was truly inspired because Holy Week was just a few days later. I never grew up recognizing Holy Week (we always celebrated Christ’s atonement and resurrection, but we didn’t do anything to necessarily prepare for the Easter season). So five years ago, when we decided to homeschool, I remember intentionally trying to shift our family traditions to make Holy Week extra special so we could more intentionally prepare our hearts for the season. As I was looking back and reflecting on how the  traditions we’ve adopted have so beautifully shaped our home, my mind kept wandering to the word "Lent." Just like Holy week though, we have never formally observed Lent, but it hit me —I had been having my own little season of Lent. For far more than 40 days I had been giving up one of the most meaningful parts of my life in the name of reflection and repentance and seeking to humble myself and come closer to what God’s vision was for me and our family.

This all also reminded me of Moses, again, and how the Israelites wandered in the desert for 40 years. Just like them —I was being refined, stripped of distractions, and ultimately I was being taught to trust. My very small offering pails in comparison to Christ’s sacrifice —yet, true to His promise and in His grace, He didn’t just guide me through the last few months —He taught me how to have greater faith, greater trust, and once I was willing to let Him —He provided a clearer vision for me and our family.

And, with this gift of hindsight, I felt like it was finally the right time to get back on IG and communicate more on here. Honestly, as I move forward, I don’t know exactly what the future will hold. I definitely still want to share and help others here. I know there is a time and a place to help even with temporal things. Supporting homeschool moms has become such a passion of mine and, as you guys know, I could talk about homeschooling all day. I’ve learned so much from all of you and have been so grateful for this community. But, I do know I also want to scale back to make sure I am much more intentional about what I am doing and sharing (especially with collaborations) just so that I stay in a place where I can allow Him to continue to not only shape me, but also work through me. Will I write a book? Maybe. I’m giving myself five years to write one —and that feels very safe for now. Or, maybe just this shift in perspective is what I needed to bring about something else here. I’ve learned a little wandering is never wasted. Either way, here I am, putting my stick in the water, and I guess we’ll see what happens next.

Thanks for being here in both my busy seasons and the quieter ones.